A Winter Poem

[Hevendor]

"A Winter Poem"

I stare outside into the eyes of winter
to the Maiden of wintry cold,
and she stares right back at me!
Straight into my wintry soul.

She stares through to my frailty,
like she knew what it felt like to me!
She stares through all my pretexts,
down to my lustful desire to leave.

To leave and chase my Sun, my Summer,
that Season!, that allowed me to endure
the bad,
the cold,
and those little shards of treason...

Now Winter's eyes have teared
and she's pleading me not to go!
For I'm the only one left with a heart
as cold as her own snow.

--

 

[Stardust]

This was pretty interesting, but there are a couple of areas that could be improved, in my opinion.

I stare outside into the eyes of winter
to the Maiden of wintry cold,
and she stares right back at me!
Straight into my wintry soul.

The repeat of "winter/wintry" bothered me here. It wouldn't have been bad if it had been just in line 2 and 4, but having it also in line 1 didn't sound right to me. Perhaps "I stare outside into the eyes of the season" would sound better? It just feels kind of clumsy right now.

She stares through to my frailty,
like she knew what it felt like to me!

I didn't like the repetition of "like" in that second line. Replacing the first with "as if" or something like that might make it flow better, imo.

For I'm the only one left with a heart
as cold as her own snow.

I loved this ending, by the way.

 

[Hevendor]

The repeat of "winter/wintry" bothered me here. It wouldn't have been bad if it had been just in line 2 and 4, but having it also in line 1 didn't sound right to me. Perhaps "I stare outside into the eyes of the season" would sound better? It just feels kind of clumsy right now.

did it mostly on purpose (1/2), though it sounds a little strange in retrospect. "[...] the season" doesn't sound quite right though :\

I didn't like the repetition of "like" in that second line. Replacing the first with "as if" or something like that might make it flow better, imo.

agreed 100%, thanks for the tip!