A story concept that I was gonna use awhile ago...thoughts?

[igloo9]

This was a concept for a story several months ago. I decided not to use it but I might go back to it in the future. I'm gonna give the whole story from beginning to end, minus a few parts that I haven't really thought of yet.
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Summary: Basically, mages are being killed constantly now. Several mages have already been killed. Everyone in town thinks there is some kind of assassin going around killing them. But why would he kill just mages?
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The game begins in a room that is a mess, and seems to be falling apart. Weird things are coming out of the ground, too. An assassin like figure is wrapped up so you can't see his face is in the room doing nothing. A few seconds later, a hooded figure walks into the room. The assassin is scared and thinks to himself that he got caught... The hooded figure is nice to him and tells him he would "like to assist him in his original plans." He sits at a table with the assassin figure and then the scene changes...

You(the main character) and you're friend are standing there with a crowd of people and 2 guards, looking at another dead mage. It was the third one that week. After everyone leaves, you and your friend go to another friends house with even more friends and you stay until dark just talking about good times you've had in the past when you were a child. It's getting late and you leave(your friend is still there). On the way home, you see barely see a assassin in the dark, he just jumped over the fence. You notice him, and he jumps back over the fence and runs the other way. You jump over the fence and chase him through a forest. You catch up and start fighting him but he's winning. Just as he is about to kill you, he gets hit out of nowehere. It's your friend coming to save you.

The assassin is laying there, and you and your friend unveil his face. It's the prince of that town and he was the one killing the mages. He explains why. As everyone knows(in this game), magic comes from plants. The magic in the plants is what keeps the world alive. These certain plants have seeds, which contain a certain power. A long time ago, people learned how to take and manipulate these powers to do what they want. It was fine, but the more magic taken from the plants, the less magic there is for the world. Now, in present time, there are too many mages and not enough magic for the world. Soon, the world will fall into chaos. That's why the prince killed mages, so the magic in them would go back to the earth to keep it alive. The prince just wanted to help the world. You tell the prince he can't just kill people even if it's helping the world, and he'll have to find another way to help the world. The prince agrees.

You tell the prince if he doesn't kill anyone else, you won't turn him in. He promises. You and your friend say you'll come to the castle tomorrow to talk about other ways to help the world. The next day you go there, asking to see the prince. The guards outside of the castle said he left because he had special plans. You don't like the sound of that, and explain to the guards what the prince was doing and how he was killing mages. The guards don't believe you and think you're trying to get him in trouble, so they put you in the castle jail. In there, you meet an evil mage but he is nice to you. He said he'll help you get out, but you ask him if he can get them out, why hasn't he gotten out? He said he has, but sometimes he'll come back and stay in jail to mess with (and sometimes kill) the guards down there. The three of you escape, the evil mage kills the guards, and he takes you to a hidden town he lives it that is filled with evil bandits and mages. Even though he is evil, he helped you so he is your friend, and you promise you won't tell anyone about this hidden town.

Then other stuff happens that I haven't really figured out yet, some things involving the evil mage(but he is always on your side), and several scenes involving the two figures at the beginning, sitting at the table and talking about their "plans". Also, you begin to just barely/slightly notice weird things happening to the world, and it's because of the lack of magic to keep the world alive. Near the end of the game you find out the prince has been doing something in a secret cathedral near the hidden evil town. You go there and see the prince with his new invention - it's a machine that sucks all of the magic out of all mages without killing them. You and your friend still disagree because there has to be another way. You can't just take magic from people. You destroy the machine and it explodes, causing the cathedral to come crashing down. The prince is extremely angry, and you fight him again (final battle). During and after the battle, the world starts to change more and is falling into chaos. The world is becoming a mess. You lose your friend - he could have died or just got lost, but you can't find him after the chaos that happened after the final battle. You start walking around, unsure what to do.

You see how the world has changed so much and is being ruined. You start to change your mind and agree with the prince, that maybe the only way really is to kill mages or use that invention. But you are ashamed of agreeing, and if you start agreeing with the prince, you don't want anyone to see who you are. Not even the prince. You put on a cloak and hide your face. You see the prince run into a small house the size of a room. You follow him into the room...

The room is a mess, and seems to be falling apart. Weird things are coming out of the ground, too. The prince looks like an assassin again and you can't see his face. He is doing nothing. You, as a hooded figure, walk into the room. The prince is scared... You are nice to him and tell him you would "like to assist him in his original plans." You sit at the table with the assassin figure and then the game ends where it began...

Edit: I'm not sure about ages. The main character is the oldest and the prince is the youngest. I guess it's something like...main character 17, friend 16, prince 15...or something

 

[ravenfire]

I like that story, it has a fair amount of suspense and plot twists in it. I hope you make this game and really develop the characters. So far you can't see much about their personalities, and the "evil mage" is no exception. He could be a very useful character for you, plot-wise. For instance, as an evil mage he would need to have an ulterior motive for helping the main character get out of jail. Perhaps he originally intends on using the main character, but then slowly starts to genuinely like them. Could even lead into a romantic relationship if the 2 characters are the opposite sex. (Or even the same, who knows.) That would really add some tension when you join up with the prince later, (perhaps the lead character should be female?) and you have to choose between the mage that you fell in love with, or saving the planet.

 

[death by moogles]

The concept is nice, but there are better ways to tell this story. The characters are horribly underdeveloped, with nothing but room for characterization. But that's the fun part, so I guess I got here just in time. :D

We'll start with the Prince.
He seems more like the "GAH HONOEZ I DUN WANNA BE IN THIS CASTLE ANYMOAR I WANNA SEE THE WORLD" stereotypical prince, rather than the strategic master, son of the King of All Intelligence, one day destined to best his father, the only better than him type of prince stereotype.
But, either way, the Prince running around all rogue-like, I think, is just a little off.

Here's a suggestion of my own.
How about some special league of mages, dark and mysterious, shadowy in every manner, using magical stones that draw from their own internal source of power - as opposed to drawing from the planet - are after the Mages. They are, of course, in order of the Prince.
Now, I have a feeling that this is a little contradictory to your original view for the murders of the mages and the Robin Hood-like feel of the Prince, but, honestly, how much can the Prince aid the planet by killing a few mages under dark of night? He's gotta have massacres and Mage Holocausts to achieve the amount of replenished magic needed to jump-start the planet at all. I mean, he's gotta be working fast; for every one mage he kills, not only another thousand use spells enough to replace that one fallen, but new mages are learning and mastering their craft, developing their forte, and I'm afraid one to ten measly mages a night isn't gonna cut it if the Prince wants to make any dent before he passes on.

So maybe the strategic-striker type Prince would be better in this context.

I mean, why doesn't he just make magic illegal or put up some magical barrier that RESTRICTS magic? Seriously, one giant barrier would do less damage to the planet than billions of mages sucking the planet dry spell by spell. And in a thousand years, when everyone forgets about magic, the barrier can come down and the planet will be fine.

With all that in mind, maybe, rather than mages dying randomly (HONOEZ MAGE MURDERER ON THE LOOSE), they could instead disappear, at which time they are taken to whatever facility this magic-sucking machine is located. Meanwhile, mages are finding it harder and harder to focus their magic because of the structuring of this barrier.

And now on to Mr. Evil Mage dude.
The Evil Mage can't decide to randomly go back to jail every once in a while just to screw with the guards. He's an evil mage and has much better things to do than slaughter guards just for the hell of it. That's a major plot hole and needs to be addressed. I have a suggestion that ties in with what ravenfire suggested and the overall plot.

So Evil-Mage dude knows about the Prince's hidden agenda, but, being wise like Mages are, he also understands the Prince's motives. He is sympathetic to the Prince's beliefs, but must take the opposing side because any other stand would mean the loss of his entire way of life. So, by some means magical or otherwise, Evil Mage comes upon the information that the Protagonist has been imprisoned. Perhaps Evil Mage in fact works as some sort of alchemist to the King (or the Prince; no King was ever mentioned). Seeing as how alchemy is the simple transmorphing of one thing to another of a higher or lesser value, there would be some belief-discrepencies in the Prince's hiring of alchemists, but that could be addressed by the fact that Alchemy doesn't draw from the power of the earth, but instead aids in the channeling of the power in a manner much like recycling, which would fortify the Prince's war against apocalypse and promote the regeneration of lovely Mother Planet.

Anyway, Evil Mage knows that the Protagonist has been jailed. Now, Mr. Prince is no wuss and doesn't go down without a fight, but this little kid - Mr. Protagonist - bested him in a round or two of fisticuffs, so, knowing the Prince's desired ends and determination, it wouldn't hurt Evil Mage - so he figures - to give the little jail bait teen a shot at taking down Big Princey. So he gives him a little nudge, eh?

I've got some suggestions about the Prince-Protagonist relationship, as well as a few other character relations ideas, even including a couple of other characters that tie into the ideas up there, but it's 1:00 and I've stretched my cognitive abilities enough in reading this thread.

I really like the twist tying the beginning and ending together. I also enjoy toying with the idea of taking orders from a mage whom the protagonist knows to be evil - with no denial. The Prince idea is overused, but that's not a bad thing if you add the right twists.

If you're interested in more suggestions, let me know. I mean, I'm not even sure if you're going to be actively pursuing this game concept or if you're just tossing it around.

EDIT: Also, Evil Mage is aiding in the manufacting of the magical stones that the mysterious elite group of special mage warriors will use to exterminate the lesser mages, drawing their power from the earth and whatnot. This ties loose ends with Evil Mage's connection to the Prince and capabilities of gathering intelligence at the castle, him being in a tall seat and all. This also supports his wisdom and maturity as a true mage, though evil.
In another twist, just to give you options, Evil Mage could be working on a SUPER MAGIC STONE that will power the barrier that will render mages powerless to use their magic. Go Green!

 

[igloo9]

Whoa o_o so, those 2 above posts just blew my mind, and now I think I want to start this game up again. I might even start this soon, and put my other project on hold. I have a few questions though...

@deathbymoogles - A lot of your ideas are really good, but the only thing is, you're making the evil mage sound like a good person. He was one of the prince's alchemists, but doesn't like how he's killing mages, which is why he is on your side. If that's the case, he might as well be good. I want him to have some evil in him. Even though he is on the protagonists side, I want the protagonist to hate him a little. Not a lot. I want him to respect him and accept that they are teamed up, but I still want him to hate him. I just don't know what kind of evil the mage would be though. Maybe just a psychotic killer? I don't want to use the "rule the world" cliche because that seems to stupid. But I just want people to know that the evil mage is evil, but is only on your team because both of you hate the prince.

I also wanted to say that I like the idea of the prince hiring rogue-like mages to use their own inner power/energy as a form of magic to take the other mages to the machine that sucks people's magic (that's what you meant, right?

Edit: What I meant by the protagonist hating the prince, I meant when they first meet. I want the protagonist and his/her? friend to really hate him, but throughout the game they start to get closer and become friends

 

[death by moogles]

Please note that my suggestions are made under the assumption that the Prince aims to ultimately stop ALL drawing of the planet's magical resources.

I don't think the suggestions that I made about Evil Mage make him any less evil. It seems they just added some development to his evil dinner plate. My suggestions were in an attempt to twist Evil Mage into a PC, rather than a random encounter enemy.

Ah, okay, so Evil Mage has some psychotic tendancies.
Of course he does, because he works with MAGIC STONES OF POWER on a daily basis and has seen farther into the capabilies of magic than most others could imagine exists. The magic has driven him to near complete insanity and he embraces that. He's beyond saving and would choose not to save himself were he given the opportunity and proper consciousness to do so. To him, ignorance and bliss DO NOT mix.

Now, this jump in character development easily leans towards the Psychotic Wannabe Overlord, but crafting him in a different direction from this point would make for a rounder character.

And of course he doesn't like that Prince is killing mages. I mean, he is a mage. But he understands Prince's motives and is sympathetic because he realizes that, with no restrictions, the planet will eventually run dry of that which mages draw their spells' fuel. However, he himself is a mage, and an incredibly intelligent and wise one at that. The eventual loss of the planet was an acceptance of his long ago, when he began his venture down the road of the evil mages.

Okay, so Protagonist hates Evil Mage from the get-go. Didn't catch that from your initial post.
This brings up a discrepency in Protagonist's persona and adds some roundness to his character as well. Mr. "NO WE CAN'T KILL PEOPLE IT'S WRONG WE NEED PEACE" protagonist dude with no name hates Evil Mage just because he's "evil," I'm presuming from the little evidence I have at hand. If he's seventeen, that's cool. Prejudice is a nice character flaw to play with despite age, but ignorance would roll nicely with the character relationship in mind because Evil Mage HATES ignorance and all unwise. So the hatred is mutual.

Maybe Evil Mage proposes that Protagonist help him out, reveals some of his plan, and Protagonist tells him to back off all honourable-like. This'll be a great way to introduce the two characters to each other. It immediately sets the hatred scene. Evil Mage is evil and Protagonist is young, naive, close-minded, and ignorant.

Past this I'm making plot holes. Tell me more about Protagonist. Who is he and what are his motives? I hope they aren't just, "YOU CAN'T KILL PEOPLE. STOP."

Another plot hole is the issue with Prince inviting Protagonist to the castle to strategize. Seriously, if Prince is so hell-bent on helping the planet - so much so that he's turned to personally eliminating mages one-by-one - why doesn't he just let loose some sort of ultimate weapon on Protagonist and Game Over him? That's what I would do if someone was standing in the way of my saving the one that matters most to me from having her life drained.

Do you have any sort of script or anything that I can look at? That would help a lot. I doubt there's one though, seeing as how the characters don't have names. Unless you've worked that out since you posted last.

So yeah, names and stuff. Give me the rest of the information you've got floating around.

 

[igloo9]

Please note that my suggestions are made under the assumption that the Prince aims to ultimately stop ALL drawing of the planet's magical resources.

Well, I guess it could work that way. He was just wanting to get rid of enough magic to save the world from going into chaos. He doesn't want to completely get rid of magic. I'm not sure which way would be better, though

The magic has driven him to near complete insanity and he embraces that.

I like this. Magic so powerful it drives you insane. I was going to use that idea for another game I was planning to make awhile back, but dropped it because there wasn't enough storyline to go along with it.

Now, this jump in character development easily leans towards the Psychotic Wannabe Overlord, but crafting him in a different direction from this point would make for a rounder character.

Yeah, I don't really want the typical "I wanna take over the world" villain. By making him insane I don't know what he wants to do those. Just randomly kill people for the pure joy of it? Except for the protagonist, since they are kind of on a team now? Not sure if just killing people would be good enough though. Hmm

This brings up a discrepency in Protagonist's persona and adds some roundness to his character as well. Mr. "NO WE CAN'T KILL PEOPLE IT'S WRONG WE NEED PEACE" protagonist dude with no name hates Evil Mage just because he's "evil," I'm presuming from the little evidence I have at hand. If he's seventeen, that's cool. Prejudice is a nice character flaw to play with despite age, but ignorance would roll nicely with the character relationship in mind because Evil Mage HATES ignorance and all unwise. So the hatred is mutual.

Yeah, that's pretty much right. I basically wanted the protagonist to hate him, because, well, he's evil. He's one of the bad characters. Sure, he's not the villain of the story, but he's still evil. And the protagonist isn't. He disagrees with just killing, he's a nice person.

Past this I'm making plot holes. Tell me more about Protagonist. Who is he and what are his motives? I hope they aren't just, "YOU CAN'T KILL PEOPLE. STOP."

Well, his age I'm not sure yet. Somewhere in the 17-21 range. o_o Lol. But basically he's just a person. He's no amazing fighter/soldier/guard of his town but he's not a citizen. He's a good fighter, although he isn't the best. His motives...well, he had none until he found out that the prince was the one behind everything. Now he just wants to kill the prince, plain and simple. Or at least put him in jail or something (although nobody in the town's castle/kingdom would believe the protagonist and lock the prince up)

Another plot hole is the issue with Prince inviting Protagonist to the castle to strategize. Seriously, if Prince is so hell-bent on helping the planet - so much so that he's turned to personally eliminating mages one-by-one - why doesn't he just let loose some sort of ultimate weapon on Protagonist and Game Over him? That's what I would do if someone was standing in the way of my saving the one that matters most to me from having her life drained.

This was a part that was hard for me to figure out. I originally wanted the protagonist and prince to have about equal strength(but since the protagonist is with his friend, that's more strength and that what makes them be able to take on the prince in the beginning) But I realized that he's the prince, he has to be strong. Whether he has access to royal magic or has been trained by the castle's fighters, he has to be strong, so it wouldn't make sense. I made a demo of the game in VX awhile back (which I lost, and am still looking for -_-) and the closest face sprite of him they had to fit my image of the prince was a little kid fighter. So that was my excuse. The prince was just a little kid trying to help the world and doing so by killing mages. Since the protagonist and friend can easily take on a little kid, he agrees not to kill anymore and then they arrange the meeting at the castle.

However, my original imagine of the prince was older, smarter, and a better fighter. Which is all the things the prince in the demo was not. Lol. So I guess I'll have to take this idea out or make it to where it makes sense.

Do you have any sort of script or anything that I can look at? That would help a lot. I doubt there's one though, seeing as how the characters don't have names. Unless you've worked that out since you posted last.

Yeah, there's no script . Back when I made the demo of the game that was when I just made the game on-the-go. (But I've gotten smarter since and know that I should write a script first) :/

So yeah, names and stuff. Give me the rest of the information you've got floating around.

Just names or any info at all about the characters? I have several ideas for names but I might be using them for my other game, not sure. I'll have to think of new names if I don't use the other ones. If you need character descriptions or anything else, I can give you anything you need

 

[death by moogles]

Are you gonna start producing this game again then? I just meant to bounce some ideas back at you, not write the thing - not complaining, just to clear that up.

When I said that I hope Protagonist's motive isn't just STOP KILLING PEOPLE IT'S WRONG, I meant it. But you're saying that that's exactly what it is. Give him something real to fight for - not just the disagreement he has with someone's beliefs (that's what you call discrimination). Give him flaws that hold him back - struggles aren't all external. Think outside the box, man!

So his sister or something - for simplicity's sake - is a mage! And she's dead now because Prince killed her! There's more motive. Not only that, but his sister was his last living relative and she's always taken care of him. He's nothing without her. He's never been independant, so he embraces Evil Mage as a leader of sorts, someone who has more experience than he does, someone who can pave his trails for him. Yay, now we have character flaws! And, not only that, but Protagonist's sister practiced under Evil Mage for a while, understanding who he is. When she came to the realization that he wasn't the right teacher for her, she left. So now Evil Mage has more motive too! Being a mage at heart (and nothing else, mind you), Evil Mage, as we have discussed previously, values intelligence and wisdom above all else, and knows that that must be passed down throughout ages. A lost magical discovery is just that - lost. So he loved her as his daughter. Her death tore him apart or something like that. You can work on that and see where you go.

The whole thing with Prince is still very holey. These ideas that I'm tossing back to you, they should be bounced back at me, not just acknowledged. There's so much room here to do what you want, and you can do just that - whatever you want. Seeing as how your last post here was a week ago, I'm assuming you've started a script by now. If names are your issue, I can give you some ideas and theory, but you need to step it up a little! Make this story your own!