a poem

[Dreamland]

here are some poems I made up one day.
for no apparant reason, I just like making them up.

I have a little planet,
that is very far away,
it's very very small,
with only 5 minutes in a day.
I had a little friend there,
of which I took the utmoste care,
but one day I fell,
onto a star,
and away I went,
very very far.
to places with giant molecules,
milky ways and sunshine pools,
and there I had to live and stay,
with no little friend there which I to play,
and I hope my friend is still on my little planet,
and I hope that she's ok.

2

I am a dainty flower,
sitting delicate in a pot,
when it rains I get much colder,
and when it stops I get hot,
the soil is much to dirty,
and the other plants are much to flirty,
the wind blows much to strong.
and the birds sing such a noisy song!
my pot's much to small,
and my leaves are starting to fall,
I'm such a dainty flower,
but you don't care about me at all,
It's only my opinion,
it's your choice with out a doubt,
but couldn't you be nicer,
and through these other beastly plants out?
I know you may think I talk a lot,
but I... oh my! is that a spot!?
on my petal! can you wash it off?
of I think I'm getting a cold, Im starting to coff.
my leaves are brown! I think I'm sick!
I'm so skinny I look like a stick.
but now your coming over,
but.... you say that I'm dead??!
coming over with sizzors to cut of my head!
Now, I know I can be chatty,
and maybe annoying,
but, you know, I was just toying!?
I'm really just fine,
just the way I am,
so please don't come over with sizzors and....
SNIP.

I hope you like them!

 

[Airose]

AWWW How sweet <3.

 

[Dreamland]

thankyou.

 

[shiroun]

First one depresses me >_>

 

[serrated_colon]

Alright, time for some serious crits:

For poem(stanza??? they both seem very unrelated so I'm seperating the two), I did not like it. You did not keep up your rhythm, and you did not keep to the point of the poem(which was probably going to planet, am I correct?).
I can't really say this without pointing out where, so I will:

I have a little planet,
that is very far away,
it's very very small,
with only 5 minutes in a day.
I had a little friend there,
of which I took the utmoste care,
but one day I fell,
onto a star,
and away I went,
very very far.
to places with giant molecules,
milky ways and sunshine pools,
and there I had to live and stay,
with no little friend there which I to play,
and I hope my friend is still on my little planet,
and I hope that she's ok.

What is bolded refers to my first point, now; I have a question. What exactly is the point of this poem? It goes from your little planet(which is probably a metaphor for w/e) to some random star and the friend from your planet which you can't play with(didn't you say he/she was very far away, so how can you play with them anyway) you start to worry about.

For the part that is italicized, I have real problem with. It's really pretentious, it's like you could not find something decent to put there so you put random crap and rhyme for the sake of rhyme.

Enough about bad points, there aren't many good things but this poem in particular has potential. The major advice I can give you is proofread. Proof read every two lines, every line must further the poem.

I'll read the second poem later.

 

[Dreamland]

thanks. :neutral:






ps. I'm 11 years old

 

[holloway]

I have a fitting poem

Iiii aaaam iiiron can
Eat me with a spoon
Cos I'm full of beans

 

[charnak]

**sheds a tear** hollow that was beautiful

 

[CherryWolf]

*Ehem* I think its beautiful Dreamland.

Your talented, but as Farah stated, you could use some training,


Dreamland your a Uncut diamond.
You know what they say?
That if you get cut on day,
Then Dreamland your a Diamond.

I'm not as good, I just thought it would fit in ^-^

 

[Dreamland]

Thank you.


ps. I like your poem  :smile:


EDIT:
Here's another poem


Got to stay awake

Got to eat more ice cream and cake,
just one more glass of water,
I've got to stay awake.
All of the bad dreams,
I just cant take,
it's Christmas tomorrow,
Yes I've got to stay awake.
My pillow is lumpy.
My blanket is cold.
My window is open.
My ceiling has mould.
There's cracks in the doorway.
The wallpaper's ripped.
There's string on the floor,
and I've almost tripped.
I'll eat anything that you bake,
this room I can't take,
it's Christmas tomorrow,
and I've got to stay awake.

 

[serrated_colon]

that is like an overdose on drugs but watered down for kids

 

[Dreamland]

What?!
It's about a kid who doesn't want to go to sleep because it's Christmas tomorrow, and so he's making up all of these exuses.

 

[ultimaodin]

and I've almost tripped.

^----- That could be taken in many different wys!

 

[Dreamland]

here is a poem I have made. :tongue:
(I really like it
especially the last verse
but it's pretty long :tongue2

THE MOON

There is a silver midnight lake,
where the moon, by mistake,
has fallen into the depths below,
where only the darkest fishes go.

And since the moon has sunken deep,
the valley fell into a sleep.
And all the people in the town,
now not dare to make a sound.

For now the stars do not shine bright,
because the moon has broke the night.
And now the darkness’s falling over,
every single plant and clover.

But now the dragons dark and black!
Come to the town to make attack!
Because the moon has slipped away,
there’s only night and never day.

They bring fire to the village,
the only light for miles around.
The gold and emeralds they pillage,
Fire’s hiss is the only sound.

But there’s a girl with silver hair,
who will take the darkest dare.
She will destroy the dragons many,
And the dark so that there isn’t any.

She took her sword to the dragons,
she used her magic on them all,
and with her face covered in ashen,
she slayed them great or small.

She made a rope out of the finest gold,
and drove it into the water cold,
she dug the moon out of the sea,
and it sat beside she.


She looked at it for once more,
it’s silver on the sandy shore.
And then she threw it up so high,
it landed shining in the sky.


She lay on the grass looking too,
the sky as it turned from black to blue,
and heard the people as they started to run,
out into the sun.

“The moon is now back in the sky,
the dragons are all locked in their pen,
the sun shines bright up there so high,
the lake will never steal again. â€

 

[happylemer]

....that....was...brilliant!
hehe,
i write poetry myself but,
by your god thats really good!!!

 

[serrated_colon]

read my advice for your previous poems it applies to this new one too

 

[Surmuck]

I'm impressed - you write on a level that suits you; but at the same time is FAR better than a lot of people who post poetry on this forum.
Bravo.

 

[Dreamland]

Thank you. :smile: