A Non-Canon Bleach Fan Fiction!

[paulalankelly]

Hey all, I'm into Fan-Fiction, hope this is the right place for it  :smile:

Any way, If you don't know what Bleach is Check http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BLEACH for some info.

Well for those who know what Bleach is I'm making the fan-fiction about lesser character's meaning one's that dont get big parts, and of course I will have some that do have big parts.

Character's

Spoiler: Main Characters

These are the main Character's:
http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z150 ... titled.png[/img]
Name: Kira Izuru
Occupation: Shinigami
Squad/Division: Third
Seat: Vice Captain (Or 2nd Seat as some call it.)

http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s239 ... ach/bg.jpg[/img]
Name: Momo Hinamori
Occupation: Shinigami
Squad/Division: Fifth
Seat: Vice Captain (Or 2nd Seat as some call it.)

http://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd23 ... uuhei1.png[/img]
Name: Hisagi Shuuhei
Occupation: Shinigami
Squad/Division: Ninth
Seat: Vice Captain (Or 2nd Seat as some call it.)

Spoiler: Minor Characters

These are the Minor Characters:

http://i301.photobucket.com/albums/nn72 ... b53e7-.jpg[/img]
Name: Toushiro Hitsugaya
Occupation: Shinigami
Squad/Division: Tenth
Seat: Captain (Or 1st Seat as some call it.)

http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff23 ... Zaraki.png[/img]
Name: Zaraki Kenpaichi
Occupation: Shinigami
Squad/Division: Eleventh
Seat: Captain (Or 1st Seat as some call it.)

Spoiler: Enemies

All the enemies are new and made up:

Leader - Maragukki

2nd in Command - Yuri Reyes

3rd in Command - Penzi Rui

Other's - ......Will add some when they appear in manga.

If you read the Character's the reason their the main characters is because their Captain's left so I'm giving them a big part.

I will put each Chapter up here.

Enjoy!
________________________________________
Shadow's Arc!

Spoiler: Chapter 1 - Attack of the Shadow's

"It was 8 o'clock in the morning, when Kira, a shinigami, heard a knocking on the door. He was donned completely in black, as all shinigami were dressed. His hair was pale blonde, and he had a vacant expression on his face."

He opened the door, a Shinigami stood behined it, he was aprt of the 3rd squad and slightly older than Kira "Vice Captain Kira! Captain Zaraki of the 11th wishes to see you!"

"Thank you." Kira went over to turn off his laptop and put it away.

Once his laptop was put away he went over to the 11th Division Headquarters, he talked with the 5th seat Ayesegawa Yumichika "What does Captain Zaraki want?" "I don't know, go in and ask him." Ayesegawa said dissmissingly.

"Kira walks into the Headquarters, he heads down the corridor, saying "Hello" to the 11th Squad member's, who just grunted back at him. Kira said to himself "I dont get why the 11th Divison is so rude". The 11th squad have been known for their strenght and thinking there stronger than everyone making them rude.

"I'm here, better fix myself." he fixed his uniform and knocked on the door.

Zaraki's Vice-Captain Yachiru answered the door, She was a small Shinigami with Pink hair and she was very childish, and probably the youngest Vice-Captain. She welcomed him with his nick name "Blondie", Kira replied "Oh hey Yachiru, can I come in?" Yachiru let him come in, but in all honesty Yachiru hated Kira but she loved her Captain so she followed his orders.

Zaraki was the 11th Division Captain who had spiked hair with bells at the end of each one of his spikes, he was a muscular shinigami with a big scar going down his face, and an eye patch on his right eye which seals his power.

Zaraki greeted the young Shinigami "Hello Kira, I have a job for you" "Oh really! What is it?" Zaraki told Kira that "The job is to go to the living world with two other Shinigami in order to attain Bankai" Kira replied in a shocked voice "But how, I wont be able to that, you do realise it takes years to learn it!" Zaraki laughed and said "It wasn't my idea, I'm just a messenger."

Kira stood there shocked, and asked "Who are the other two?", In which Zaraki replied
"Your choice boy."

Kira was not expecting something like this, he would train normally like every Shinigami would, but not train like someone who was learning Bankai. Kira asked "Who are the other two coming with me?" Zaraki stood up and said "I was told it was your choice" Kira liked the fact that he could choose, but the he quickly remembered a question "Who wants us to attain Bankai?" Asked Kira. "The Kid Captain! Toushiro Hitsugaya of Squad 10". Kira thanked Zaraki for telling him and left the room.

When he exited the room, Six 11th Division Shinigami raced towards Captain Zaraki's door, Kira asked "Hey whats the problem?" they said "Some kind of Shadow Creature's are attacking Soul Society" "Shadow Creatures?" Said Kira. Shadow Creatures had never attacked Soul Society before, so noone knew what they were.

Two of the Six walked into Zaraki's room "Captain Shadow Creatures are attacking!" Zaraki Replied "Shadow Creatures, the hell are they?" "We don't know for sure which is why were asking for your help!" Zaraki looked happy, he picked up his Zanpaktou which was his sword wrapped in cloth, put it by his side and head towards the enemy, he along with his Vice-Captain and 3rd Seat Ikkaku Madarame went to fight.

Kira left the building and went to the 5th Division Headquarters, and knocked on the Vice-Captain's Office, in which the Vice-Captain opened, there stood Momo Hinamori a young female Shinigami with medium lenght Black hair, who Kira made friends with during his training to become a powerful Shinigami.

Kira told Momo "Hey Momo Captain Zaraki and Captain Hitsugaya asked me to go to the world of the living and attain Bankai along with two other Shinigami" Momo was wondering why he was going, "Why where you sent?" Kira had no idea why "I'm not sure but I was told to bring two others, so do you wanna come to?" She accepted "I have a reason to learn Bankai anyway, its to bring Captain Aizen to his senses." Kira knew it probably wouldnt happen "Momo, your Captain betray Soul society like mine and Captain Kaname of the 9th Division, just because your Captain wanted to have more power than he already did." Momo knew he would say that so she just ignored it, and the two went to the Ninth Division.

The two had already decided to bring Shuuhei Husagi of the 9th Division to come with them,as he was closer to learning Bankai than the two of them.

The two walk towards the 9th Division Headquarters, and chat about what they hope there Bankai will be like, Kira's idea of it was "Metal plates cover his arms while he holds his Zanpaktou and everything he touches triples in weight" while Momo's was "Her Zanpaktou changes into a long Staff, with beeds hanging from the bottom of it, it increases her Demon Magic by 30%" they laughed as they said it. They said it would probably be nothing like that, they arrive at the 9th Division Headquarters.

Hisagi notices them from his window and walk's outside to greet them, "Hey you two" Hisagi was slightly different from the other Shinigami as he was more serious than others, his Shinigami uniform sleeves were cut shorter to make it look like a vest, and has a tatoo of the number 69 on his cheek.

Kira and Momo told Hisagi "Okay two captains, Captain Zaraki and Captain Hitsugaya have sent me on a job to the living world to attain Bankai and said I could bring two others, I chose You and Momo, do you want to come with us?" In which he replied "Bankai, but dosent that take year of training?". Kira said "Yeah I have still no idea why they sent me." Shuuhei replied "Guess I may aswel, I'm not too far off." The three gather there stuff as they wont be returning for a few months, even years if needed.

The three were set and head to the Senkai Gate, which leads them the living world, just before the three enter, three Shadow Creatures attack Momo, Kira notices this "Momo! Raise your Head, Wabisuke!" Kira had used Shikai which is an upgrade of normal Zanpakuto's, but isn't as powerful as Bankai which takes atleast 10 - 15 years to just learn it! Hisagi prepares to use some Kidou to freeze the enemies movement, when he fires it, Kira stays back, but the Shadow creatures Dodge it, and it hits Momo instead! Kira then dashes towards the shadow creatures, only to be knocked back by Captain Zaraki and his lust for battle! "Stay back and watch me kick ass Kira!" Kira seemed angry and suprised at the same time, to see Zaraki here.

To be continued on Chapter two! 

Spoiler: Chapter 2 - Zaraki's Gonna get you!

"Zaraki what the hell, I was about to kill the Shadow creature!" Shouted Kira at Zaraki. "No kid, you werent, sorry but I'm going to wipe the floor with these!" Zaraki took his fighting stance. Kira looked at his arm, Zaraki had accidentaly cut a bit of his arm. "Come and get a piece of me!" Shouted Zaraki at the Shadow creatures. The Shadow creature turns into a dark ball of matter and charges at Zaraki. "ZARAKI!!! look out!" Shouted Kira.
Suddenly Hisagi jumps in knocking the Dark Matter away! "Bastard this is my fight!" "Sorry Captain, but you where about to get hurt" Zaraki stood and attacked the other two Shadow Creature's killing one of them!

"HELP ME!" Shouted Momo numerous times! "Momo! I'm coming!" Shouted Kira as he ran towards the Shadow Creatures "Raise your head Wabisuke!" Kira slashes the creature, in which Kira's Zanpakuto doubles the weight of what ever it touches, the shadow creature falls to the ground dropping Momo.

"Momo, you okay?" Asked Kira. "Yes I'm fine" Replied Momo. Zaraki stabbed the last remaining Shadow Creature killing it! "Piece of Cake!" Zaraki said standing over the body of a Shadow Creature. "Nice work Captain" Said Hisagi.

"Are you two ready to go?" Asked Momo. "Yeah" replied Kira. The three leave the gate and arrive in the Living World. "What now?" Asked Momo. "We head to Urahara Shoten" Said Kira. "You know the way?" Asked Hisagi. "Not 100%, but it cant be too difficult." "Why do we need to go there anyway Kira?" Asked Hisagi. "To get so Gigai." replied Kira. Momo ran on a head and saw the shop. "Found it!" Shouted Momo.

"And I found you......" Said a mysterious man who goes to attack Kira. Kira defends against his attack. "Raise your Head Wabisuke!" "Not so fast!" Shouted the Mysterious Man, as he punched Kira in the stomach winding him. "Kira!" Shouted Momo. "Oh no!" Said Hisagi.

"Scared kids?" Asked the Mysterious man. "Kids! Kids! who you calling Kids!" Shouted Momo. "Sorry my mistake, babies!"

"Snap Tobium!" Momo released her Zanpakuto, attacking the mysterious man with a powerful Kido attack that only slightly damages his clothes. "What how did it not work Hisagi?" "I dont know!" "It didn't work because I'm just too powerful for that!" Said the Mysterious man. "Who are you?" asked the Recovered Kira.

"Just your average human." Said the Mysterious man as he laughed. "Hisagi, take Momo and go, I can take this guy on!" "What are you an idiot, you can clearly tell he wont go down easily, so I'm not leaving." "Yeah beside, where do you get the right to say we have to leave?" asked Momo.

"I dont have the right, I just want you two to be safe." Replied Kira. "Hehe, I only fight one on ones." Said the Mysterious man in a deep voice. "Are you a Shinigami?" Asked Kira. "Yeah, Blaze Jinzo!" The Mysterious man has released his hidden Zanpakuto! "My name, Pensi Rui and dont forget it!

"No choice but to fight back then" Said Kira "Raise your head Wabisuke! now you die!" "Kill'em Kira!" Shouted Momo. "Your acting strange Momo...." Said Hisagi.

To be continued on Chapter 3.......

 

[moog]

What the hell? Im pretty sure there is nothing to talk about here. Please edit this post before it gets locked =(

 

[mawk]

This is... Oh man, this is pretty bad. For starters, if you're writing a story, don't use action tags. Instead of

Don Kanonji - "KAN'ONBAALL!"
*shoot's a kan'onball from his palm*

you should be going like, uh,

"KAN'ONBAAALL!" Suddenly, an orb of white light appeared above Don Kanonji's palm. With his arm outstretched, he took careful aim and fired.

It's not an incredible example, but I hope it gives you an idea of how things should be formatted, at least.

Everything else... I dunno, I don't have the guts right now. I'll leave it to some other person to handle.

 

[paulalankelly]

What the hell? Im pretty sure there is nothing to talk about here. Please edit this post before it gets locked =(

Can you tell me what exactly I should edit?

This is... Oh man, this is pretty bad. For starters, if you're writing a story, don't use action tags. Instead of

Don Kanonji - "KAN'ONBAALL!"
*shoot's a kan'onball from his palm*

you should be going like, uh,

"KAN'ONBAAALL!" Suddenly, an orb of white light appeared above Don Kanonji's palm. With his arm outstretched, he took careful aim and fired.

It's not an incredible example, but I hope it gives you an idea of how things should be formatted, at least.

Everything else... I dunno, I don't have the guts right now. I'll leave it to some other person to handle.

Thanks, I dont write fan fiction this often thanks for the tips

 

[moog]

I didnt notice the chapter one was on the post (I thought it was on your sig) so sorry for that.

Buttttttttt this still has just random dialog, like Miek said. Try to make it sound more realistic and less like a talking script.

 

[kaze950]

A Non-Canon Bleach Fan Fiction!

Isn't that redundant?

And this seems more like a fan-episode script than a short story. Describe the setting, characters, e.t.c. within the actual story itself. Like,

"It was 8 o'clock in the morning, when Kira, a shinigami, heard a knocking on the door. He was donned completely in black, as all shinigami were dressed. His hair was pale blonde, and he had a vacant expression on his face."

Something like that.

 

[paulalankelly]

I didnt notice the chapter one was on the post (I thought it was on your sig) so sorry for that.

Buttttttttt this still has just random dialog, like Miek said. Try to make it sound more realistic and less like a talking script.

No problem it's okay and yeah I'm gunna fix all that up.

A Non-Canon Bleach Fan Fiction!

Isn't that redundant?

And this seems more like a fan-episode script than a short story. Describe the setting, characters, e.t.c. within the actual story itself. Like,

"It was 8 o'clock in the morning, when Kira, a shinigami, heard a knocking on the door. He was donned completely in black, as all shinigami were dressed. His hair was pale blonde, and he had a vacant expression on his face."

Something like that.

Thanks I'm new to fan fiction, do you mind if I use that sentance you said?

 

[Surmuck]

Ooookay then. Yet again, Surmuck swoops in to pick apart yet another Fan Fiction - even though he doesn't watch the show it relates to.

Right off the bat, you need a better introduction. 'A man knocks on the door' does not cut it - not at all. As its been stated before, you...can't use action format. Fan fiction just doesn't work like that. Well, mostly all writing doesn't work like that. Stress the 'mostly' when I say that, but this is one of those times it doesn't work. Come up with something creative that makes me want to read the rest. For your sake, I'm going to force myself to :P

Kira - "Who could that be?"

I dunno if thats how they do it in the show, but in good writing it's not. There's no one in the room for her to say it to, for one, and if you really want to get it across that she wonders who it could be - make it clear she's saying it in her head, and not to the wall. This is weak dialogue. I think I'll just put a W under dialogue when it's weak, and should be edited regardless of any other comment I have on it.

(10 Minutes Later)

You can't pass time like that. Well, I shouldn't say can't...but you just shouldn't. At this point it sounds like I'm reading an overview of what happened - like the script the actors were reading behind an actual story. I want to see it from the front not behind the scenes. I haven't a lot more to say on how you've formatted the story than this.

Kira - "You called for me?"
Zaraki - "You took your sweet ass time."
Kira - "Sorry..."
Zaraki - "Forget about apologizing, I have a job for ya!"
Kira - "Oh really, what is it?"
Zaraki - "It was order of the 10th Division Captain, but he's on a mission, he wants you and two other Vice-Captains to head to the real world to learn Bankai."
Kira - "Okay, do I choose the two?"
Zaraki - "Yeah he said choose who ever you want"
Kira - "Oh really okay!"

W
When, or if, you rewrite this - make sure to add some emotion to what the people are saying. 'Oh really okay!' is probably the most bland sentence I can think of, next to just 'Okay.'. At some point, before we leave Zaraki, I'd think you should add a little more description as to how he at least looks - or where we are; as right now like their silhouttes standing in front of a sheet. Really just blank, you know?

*6 11th Division members reace to Zaraki's Office*

7th Seat - "Captain, three shadow warrior's attacked us!"
Zaraki - "Whats a shadow Warrior?"
Kira - "A couple of years ago, 13 Monster type things attacked us, we called them Shadow Warrior's, and now it seems there back."
Zaraki - "Let's go kick some ass then!, Kira pick the two you want and go to the real world, I'll handle this!"
Kira - "Ok, good luck!"
Zaraki - "Screw luck!, I have power!"

W
Are...are you serious? 'Screw luck!, I have power'? For one, you have a comma after an explanation point, which really doesn't work - but is equally beside the point. You might want to touch up on your grammar skills is all. Just weak dialogue, and its giving me the 'almost' pressure of an intense situation - but then it all went wrong and I lost it. That's a bad feeling as a reader, when you feel like the author actually lost track of the mood of the situation, as it went from urgent and important to none of those things in like one sentence.

*Kira heads over to 5th Division Headquarters*

Kira - "Momo, we have orders from Captain Hitsugaya and Captain Zaraki to go to the real world to learn Bankai"
Momo - "Oh, I wanna go to the real world! It's been ages since I last went!"
Kira - "We can pick one more to go, should we take Hisagi?"
Momo - "Yes lets bring him."
Kira - "Cool let's go!"

W
Remember, don't introduce new characters like that. It's hard to really give advice farther than this, as most of the obvious issues wouldn't be here if you didn't write this in the format chosen. I'll be happy to go through and edit, in this same process, any later revisions of this particular piece, or any others you post here in the writing format. Feel free to PM me with anything you would like revised in a less public situation, and that goes for anyone else who reads this as well

Good luck.

 

[moog]

Surmuck I like you already.

 

[paulalankelly]

Surmuck I like you already.

I updated Chapter 1, could you tell me if its better or worse?

 

[moog]

It certainly looks better, but ditch putting quotations over every paragraph, and dont try to make it sound so dictated.

 

[paulalankelly]

It certainly looks better, but ditch putting quotations over every paragraph, and dont try to make it sound so dictated.

Thanks for the advice

 

[paulalankelly]

Chapter 2 is up!

 

[Surmuck]

Alright, I can see the format is finally shaping itself into something that most people can actually read. So good so far. I'm going to just use the same system I have been, marking dialogue with a W if its weak - so watch out for that. I'll use spoilers instead of quotes this time, just so the page doesn't stretch too far down.

Spoiler

"It was 8 o'clock in the morning, when Kira, a shinigami, heard a knocking on the door. He was donned completely in black, as all shinigami were dressed. His hair was pale blonde, and he had a vacant expression on his face."

First off - you used shinigami once in two sentences, in a row, when it could have easily been avoided, or even combined I think. This isn't really a weak point in your piece at this particular moment, but if you do it consistently readers will see a trend - and in most cases it sounds bad anyway. As a future tip, try to avoid it.

Spoiler

He opened the door, a Shinigami stood behined it and told him the Captain of the 11th Squad Zaraki Kenpaichi wishes to see him.

I had a feeling I would see this pop up after reading your original piece. Your summarizing when you don't need to. I really suggest you go read like a short story, and reference it for parts of your own. When I say this, I don't mean you should take parts of their story and put it in yours - but instead that you notice how they form their paragraphs, and dialogue. Basically this sentence gives the feel that your summarizing a greater story - not writing it yourself. Instead, think about this:

He opened the door, and standing on the mat was a fellow shinigami; perhaps a few years older than Kira.
"The captain of the 11th Squad, Zaraki Kenpaichi, wishes to see you."
Kira thanked the shinigami, and closed the door.

--Also note that you need to remember to switch character when someone else is talking. So when this other man is speaking, he doesn't say 'wishes to see him' but, 'wishes to see you'. I know, it sounds rather confusing the way I put it - but please, just try to observe how other stories are written before writing your own. Really.

Spoiler

Once his laptop had shut down he went over to the 11th Division Headquarters, he talked with the 5th seat Ayesegawa Yumichika "What does Captain Zaraki want?" "I don't know, go in and ask him."

Poor grammar. When the person speaking changes in any dialogue, each person is on a different line. Hard to explain, so:

"What does Captain Zaraki want?" said Kira, with a tone of agitation. [[IMPORTANT: Note the adjectives to how she's speaking. Paints the picture, and vital]]
"I don't know, go in and ask him." said Ayesegawa Yumichika dismissively.

I've basically explained how to write dialogue correctly in this post, so I've nothing more to say on how you've put it this far.

Spoiler

"Kira walks into the Headquarters, he heads down the corridor, saying "Hello" to the 11th Squad member's, who just grunted back at him. Kira said to himself "I dont get why the 11th Divison is so rude".

W
Dialogue is getting stronger in it's personalization of the character itself, but I advise you give a tiny bit of backstory at this point about the 11th divisions history of being rude to Kira. Suggestion.

Spoiler

"I'm here, better fix my Uniform." he fixed his Uniform and knocked on the door.

Uniform shouldn't be capitalized, either time for one. Check your grammar before you post anything, as a bit of advice. Secondly, uniform is used twice in too little a space.

Spoiler

Zaraki's Vice-Captain Yachiru answered the door, and welcomed him with his nick name "Blondie", Kira replied "Oh hey Yachiru, can I come in?" Yachiru allowed him to come in.

Who the heck is Yachiru? I have no idea what he looks like. What does that mean to you? You need to tell me. That basically sums up your entire piece. You need to tell me more about the environment so I can actually enjoy it. Like I said, it's just a summary thus far. Also, your saying Yachiru too much. Find creative ways to state the same thing, otherwise it's awkward to read.

Spoiler

Zaraki was the 11th Division Captain who had spiked hair with bells at the end of each spike, he was a muscular shinigami with a big scar going down his face, and an eye patch on his right eye which seals his power.

There you go. Totally on track with that bit, except in the first sentence you used 'spiked' and 'spike' together. progression though.

Skipping ahead past a lot of dialogue that just needs to be fixed.

Spoiler

When he exited the room, Six 11th Division Shinigami race towards Captain Zaraki's door, Kira asked "Hey whats the problem?" they said "Some kind of Shadow Creature's are attacking Soul Society"

Number one writing NO NO NO NO NO. You changed tenses, randomly, and then changed back, in what was already a very poorly constructed sentence. NO NO. I can't really state that any other way, but there are...very few, if any times when that is okay. Honestly, I can't even think of one. The six 11th division Shinigami RACE towards the door. Do you see the problem there? Race is present tense, raced is past, will race is the future. This whole piece is written in past tense, and should stay IN PAST TENSE. I can't stress how important a habit this is to learn.

Spoiler

Kira told Momo "Hey Momo Captain Zaraki and Captain Hitsugaya asked me to go to the world of the living and attain Bankai along with two other Shinigami, you up for it?" "Of course, let me get my stuff, I'll be right back" She accepted in order to bring her Ex-Captain to his senses because he had previously betray Soul Society.

I, as a reader, said outloud just now 'What?'. Why? Because you just sprung too much information Momo, and she took it all in like she hears this kind of thing every single day. When you rewrite this dialogue, I suggest you at least put in a pause - and some how...shorten how he just restated something we heard like a paragraph ago.

Spoiler

The three were set and head to the Senkai Gate, which leads them the living world, just before the three enter, three Shadow Creatures attack Momo, Kira notices this "Momo! Raise your Head, Wabisuke!" Kira had used Shikai which is an upgrade of normal Zanpakuto's, but isn't as powerful as Bankai which takes atleast 10 - 15 years to just learn it! He dashes towards the shadow creature, only to be knocked back by Captain Zaraki and his lust for battle! "Stay back and watch me kick ass Kira!"

And in the ending, as I've seen too many times - is not....good. You've tried to create an intense moment, and it basically blew up in your face by the way you wrote it - because I could so clearly identify that it was actually trying to be intense, and that it wasn't intense. Your purpose as a fiction writer, is to create the illusion that everything you have said actually happened. This paragraph has a big red sign on it that says it was what was supposed to be a climactic moment gone bland.

I'll be happy to edit the second chapter when I see your serious with editing this one.

Good luck.

 

[kaze950]

As for the story itself, it seems kind of strange.

1. Bankai isn't some trivial thing. I don't think Kira would just shrug at the notion of suddenly attaining bankai like it was no big deal. Likewise, Momo acts too nonchalant about it as well. I'm sure if either Kira or Momo were suddenly told, 'You going to attain bankai", they would like "WTF?" or "How is that possible?"

2. I'm familiar with Bleach, but you should still not just mention characters or events in passing. Describe Kira and Yachiru better. I don't think you did it well enough, especially since Surmuck got both of their genders wrong.

3.

"Some kind of Shadow Creature's are attacking Soul Society"

Uh, so is soul society familiar with 'some kind of Shadow Creature'? I assume these aren't hollows. If they are familiar, is there any reason it hasn't come up in the series (Just cause its non-canon doesn't mean it should be non-believable). If not, I would think Kenpachi would at least ask what these things are.

And just to ask, when exactly during Bleach is this supposed to take place?

 

[Surmuck]

Okay, someone who is familiar with Bleach at all. I can only really offer help in the actual writing of the piece - as I don't know anything of the show really till I read a little bit about it like just now...

On topic though, now that I know other points to address:
--Addressing the issue of the low-impact Bankai thing - def. point there. In writing, especially fan fictions, it's often hard to really show, in your characters, how events will particularly cause certain reactions in them. While obviously you can't have them saying "WTF?!" like Kaze950 said; go back and picture the situation in your head, and pretty much just appropriatley write how you feel they would react.
--Secondly, if it would be a rare thing for this Soul Society to be attacked - then yes that needs to be given special attention. When writing fan fictions, also, I suggest you do keep in mind that your basically writing a branch out of someone else's story, and people will pretty much just roll their eyes and trash the page if your putting in events that most likely, never could have happened.